It was not a good day today. I am not always the most chipper person on the planet and view exceptionally happy people with grave suspicion but I have not been plagued by too many bouts of depression recently. I am not talking about those occasional down moments we all have when things seem bleak or when Britney threatens to release another album – I am speaking of the real thing the bottomless pit in the deepest hell of the mind. I awoke this morning feeling a little better from the flu but with a nagging sensation in the pit of my stomach that seemed to be radiating to the rest of my body. Coffee didn’t help and smoking made me feel even worse. I showered, got dressed and fixed my hair at which point i was feeling like crying for no reason whatsoever. I pulled myself together and got in the Mondeo and headed to work. By the time I got there the feeling was like a heavy weight on me and I was barely able to sit and keep myself together. The sense of loss, overwhelming sadness and despair got to the point it was just short of pushing me over the edge. Eventually the required numbness set in saving me from having to hide any sharp objects. It was a terrible feeling and one I haven’t experienced in some time. I don’t think people who have never experienced severe depression can truly understand how horrible it is to be locked screaming in the dungeon of one’s own mind with no one able to hear or help. I know that clinical depression runs in both sides of my family so I assume there is a genetic component to the whole thing. When I was younger I had more frequent bouts of depression often triggered my something situational such as a bad relationship or family troubles. I have done the paxil/zoloft thing and even ended up in a medical institution as a result of too friendly an acquaintance with a bottle of prescription pills…but those experiences were years ago. I thought my bouts of severe depression had been banished following my dealings with a psychologist years ago. It seems that is not the case. At least today’s experience was only a 6 hour ordeal. After the depression started to lift I tried to think about a cause since situations often trigger me and I am still working on it. I can rule out work because I know I love that and it probably saved me from testing my amperage tolerance today. I know my social/love/intellectual life is a mess lately in that I need to focus more on getting my life to where I want it. Right now I have taken rather a Forrest Gump approach to dealing with the non-work areas of my life. I have been hanging out with different people lately but i know it is not really helping keep me on the track I want to be on as amusing as it may be. In terms of love I realize that my idea of love is apparently an anachronistic concept in this day an age and I fear I am in danger of giving up on the whole concept. I called Mum yesterday and that sounded like a disaster with Mum sounding frantic, my brother complaining about his divorce, kids screaming and my poor stepdad trying to sound calm in the middle of everything. Perhaps it is a good thing i don’t call too often and can spend the rest of the time pretending I have a stable and rock solid family somewhere.I think this should be the year to focus on getting my life in order and making it what i want it to be. Maybe it is too much to want a great job, wonderful and supportive friends and someone in my life who can enhance it and make me believe in a true bond that can weather any storm. I might even try stopping smoking…nahhhhh..let’s work on the other things first then maybe I may not even want to smoke.In the meantime I have people like Binky, Alvin and Robin to rely on for comfort..or in Alvin’s case constructive abuse. And i seem to have at least one other shining soul working their way into my life so I guess things are not so bad. Tomorrow is a new day and I hope the dark cloud dissipates and the silver lining remains.
January 25, 2008